A mom writes in asking for advice. No one will be with her during her labor except her 5-year-old daughter, and she is terrified. The baby’s father is currently in jail and doesn’t know if he will get out in time for the baby’s birth. Her mom planned a cruise before they even found out she was pregnant and is not going to cancel it. The baby’s father’s family is not supportive of her either, so she has no one and doesn’t know what to do. Any advice for this mom?
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A member of the community asks:
“I am 30 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child, and my partner is currently in jail. There is a 50/50 chance he will be home for the birth. Since he has been gone, I’ve had my entire support network disappear (they were mostly his friends and family) except for my mother. My mother was with me when I gave birth to my first daughter, and I didn’t even need to ask, just called when I went into labor, and there she was.
Well, I naturally expected the same with this pregnancy, but she had told us when we first told her our due date that she had a European 2 month-long cruise booked with my stepdad and a group of their friends and that it couldn’t be canceled. She is now due to leave within the next 2 weeks and we haven’t spoken about it much.
I honestly thought with my partner not being here and her being able to see all of my friends drop off and know that she’s all I’ve got (don’t know my dad, no reliable siblings, etc) that she would have canceled to be with me and my daughter (5) when I go into labor as we both know there is a good chance my partner won’t be able to be there. My daughter will still need to go to school especially with me in a maternity ward for a few days.
She just loves my daughter, and I thought she would do anything for her as she always has in the past. But, she does not like my partner, hates the name we have picked for baby, and I don’t know if I’m just emotional, but she calls my baby ‘it’ still whereas we say ‘she’ or her name because we found out the sex.
I just feel so lost and scared right now. Is it wrong of me to want and expect her around in this situation? We have all known of this possibility since June. Today she has told me to call the hospital and ask for a social worker to be my support person. I don’t want CPS holding my hand and taking my daughter during my labor! I have no idea what to do or say I am absolutely lost and in shock. Everybody deserves a holiday and that it was before we knew I was pregnant or that my partner wouldn’t be able to be here, but I would do anything for my children.
Am I wrong to expect that she would for me? She’s the only family I have, and we usually don’t have problems like this; she helps us out and makes sure we are okay, which is why I didn’t expect this at all. She seems to think that because I went 2 weeks over with my first daughter that I will also go 2 weeks over with this one and that she will ‘probably be back in time’ but I am 50% smaller this pregnancy. I had gestational diabetes with my first, this pregnancy feels so different and you can’t predict those things! If I don’t go two weeks over I honestly think she won’t be here. I’ll be all alone with my 5-year-old in a delivery room, and I am terrified.”
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice for This Mom Terrified for Labor with Her Daughter
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Advice Summary
Advice for this mom was split. Many were not supportive of this mom, while others felt bad for this mom. Since no one will be there during her labor, many were sympathetic with her anxiety. A commenter shared, “I can understand the fear you’re going through. I’m sorry you feel you have no one and I’m sure this is all so overwhelming for you. If my mom wouldn’t cancel a trip to be there for the birth of my child I’d feel the same feelings as you. But, I’d also consider that she had the trip planned and paid for before any of this happened.”
Others felt like there were things she can do to find someone to be with her. One said, “Hire a sitter. You only really need one for 24 hours plus labor time. Once the baby passes the 24-hour checkmark you’re good to go.” Another advised, “I would also encourage you to mend the relationship with his family and your friends so that you have their help and support during and after.”
Some commenters felt like she shouldn’t be upset with her mom since it is not her fault. One commented, “I wouldn’t be angry with your mom, I’d be angry with your spouse. What is he doing getting into trouble like that when he’s got a pregnant wife and child at home. He’s the one who abandoned you.” Another agreed by saying, “It’s non-refundable so she loses the trip as well as the money? You’re having a baby, not going in for life-threatening surgery. I wouldn’t expect my parents to cancel a rare experience to come while I’m having a baby.”
Some encouraged the mom that all will be okay even if no one will be there during labor; no need to be terrified. One shared, “You can do it! Your daughter will be there with you! This will just show you how strong you are! Best wishes!” Another said, “Take this opportunity to make your birth an extra bonding situation for you and your children. Find a nurse that you feel comfortable with, have her hold your hand and be there for you. Nurses are absolutely amazing.”
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