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QUESTION: My husband swore at me at our friend’s house over a pineapple: Do I have a right to be upset?
“My husband, now married for 1.5 years, has gotten in the habit of swearing at me when we are around our friends (mutual friend). If he’s not swearing, he just would not talk to me or be as loving as he would when we are at home. What happened last time, was our friend asked who knows how to cut a pineapple (something that I don’t know but my husband knows).
So I said, ‘Well, my husband knows how to cut one!!’ My husband immediately startled me and said, ‘WHAT IS UP WITH YOU? Are you crazy?’ Then followed by a foul word. I, needless to say, felt really embarrassed. Later that night, when I confronted him, his excuse was, ‘you know I don’t like doing these things, if our friend invited us, they should’ve prepared themselves and cut their own thing.’ Then he proceeded to say he’s sorry and that he wouldn’t do that again. I feel kinda lost by that response. What would you do?”
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Community Answers
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“Tell him at the time he yells at you that you don’t appreciate him yelling at you. Don’t wait to get home. My husband used to do this when I would use the wrong word in Spanish in front of my relatives. One day my son defended me because my husband yelled at me at home for the same reason. My son told my husband, don’t belittle my mom by trying to make her look stupid. Your English is not perfect yet she does not belittle you. That was the last time my husband yelled at me. Love my young adults.”
“If this is the only time he acts like this….
Then I would hazard a guess….that he doesn’t like going….that maybe these situations are even causing anxiety for him.
Anxiety doesn’t look the exact same for everyone. Sometimes it can look like anger.
Does that excuse the behavior? Not really.
But it takes a lot of work to gain complete control over anxiety.
So for now…if it was me…..
If I knew he really was uncomfortable (probably even anxious) …. I wouldn’t make plans without discussing first how he feels about them and I wouldn’t push them if/when he says he doesn’t feel like it/want to.”
“Give it him back when he speaks to you and see how he reacts and sorry but who cares if the friend hadn’t prepared the pineapple!!! Can friends not have a last minute idea and ask a friend for help!”
“His response was over the top. He could have easily explained it while friend cut. I would have pointed that out to him. Or at the least tell him not to swear at you and call you names. In front of people. He embarrassed you in public, humiliating him in public was mandatory. The guy in the pic with me gets told immediately when I feel disrespected; he does the same to me. Want respect? Give respect. But most of all command respect.”
“If you have to explain to a person that cursing at you is not acceptable then they just don’t respect you. Life is too short for dealing with being disrespected.”
“Does he have issues with social situations? Sounds like he might and that’s his anxiety manifesting for some reason.
It’s definitely not OK and the behavior needs addressed but it’s very important to figured out WHY he does this.”
“It says so much about how someone treats you in front of others. It sounds like you both should have a talk about your boundaries.”
“I guess I’m different because I’m stuck on why the husband was volunteered in the 1st place. I agree with his comment on it should’ve been prepared. Personally, If I’m out trying to enjoy myself don’t volunteer me for NADA…”
“You did the right thing by addressing it. If it stops, then great. If it doesn’t, it never will.”
“Stand your ground and snap back at him. Do not allow him or else he will continue cause almost allowing it”
“Treat him the same way. Then if he complains, point out you feel the same way.”
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