This question was submitted to our community via our Facebook page and/or our Answers forum. Responses are also taken from the community. If you have your own parenting or relationship question you would like answers to, submit on Facebook or Answers.
QUESTION: I don’t think my stepson is my fiancé’s child: Should we do a paternity test?
“Should I get a paternity test for my stepson and fiancé because they carry no similar traits and his ex went from man to man looking for a free ride? My fiancé’s son is 12. We are considering vasectomy because we both have one child from previous relationships and are focused on financial savings at the moment.
However, my stepson looks NOTHING like his dad or cousins! They all have the same genetic traits except my stepson. Even my son carries so many traits of both his father and me Literally, my fiancé family, all their kids, look like copies of each other. All five siblings, all 16 kids. Yet his son has none of these traits. Even my family and all five daughters look very similar to our dad.
His ex was a notorious cheater. Not just me being crazy, this woman Literally cheated over 50 times, and she laughs when she admits it. (She says in the text, “I’m such a nasty girl, that’s why I’m sick again,” talking to my fiance, referring to her current chlamydia and why she can’t care for the child). So naturally, I am extremely curious if this is his son. She doesn’t want the boy anymore, just the child support money, so we are getting full custody. She literally said, “I don’t want him; I’m too busy with my new kids.”
She is living with her ex and his kids. They ALL look like clones of my stepson. (She dated this man when she got pregnant with my finances son). Same nose, eyebrows, cheekbones, and build. All of which look nothing like my financial family or all the nieces and nephews. My son looks more like my fiance than his son. If I could post a picture, I would! My stepson is a copy of these other kids, but nothing like fiance’s nephews or nieces given the distinct genetic traits. My fiance asked for a paternity test back in the day, and his ex freaked out. So, given her bs, my fiance didn’t get a paternity test done.
However, before we get fixed, I want to know if he has a child that is actually his. If his son isn’t, yes, we will keep him. We love him and are his only safe place, but I want him to have a child that is his. He wants a child that is actually his and mentions it a lot. If my stepson isn’t my fiance’s, he won’t get the vasectomy. But he also doesn’t want a paternity test. I was thinking about doing a 23 and me genetic test since it will show relatives and parents but also be informative on ancestry. (A great history lesson over the summer).”
RELATED: Q&A: How Can I Get My Daughter To Go Number Two On The Potty?
Community Answers
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“Why would you want to do this to a child. I’m sure you would have a problem if someone put your child in this situation. But doesn’t matter that your kid isn’t his.”
“That shouldn’t be your say at all. Hes been with that child for 12 years… either way he clearly has earned the title as his father.”
“Why at this point would it matter? He’s 12 now, it would be devastating to find out your dad you’ve had for 12 years wasn’t your real dad. What would gain from knowing? I feel this should be left alone.”
“That child is 12. That is his father, that is his son. You don’t get to take that from them for your own selfish reasons. That is very selfish and toxic on your end. Very.”
“Speaking as an adopted child – your love shouldn’t be dependent upon matching DNA. If he has chosen to be a father to this child, then he is his father. If he wants to have more children with you, that might be a conversation you both have without using this child as a scapegoat. Don’t emotionally abuse a twelve year old child, or put them through an identity crisis.”
“Take things for what they are and move on. It doesn’t matter how children come to us, as parents, we should love them unconditionally for who they are. Don’t hinder his growth because you are hellbent on your own personal issues. I was fortunate enough to be given love and stability by a family that chose me. I know I wouldn’t be in a good place without them. I hope you can provide stability and love for this child as one of your own.”
“If your fiancé loves the boy go for full custody. No child support and no reason to destroy the poor boy in the process.”
“You need to mind your business. He’s a grown man that can figure out what he wants. If he doesn’t want a paternity and loves the boy, it’s still his son no matter what.”
“Leave his child alone. He’s been dad for 12 years, biology is completely irrelevant at this point. If this was a new baby it would be considerable. But at 12 years your only asking to potentially destroy a family.”
“Not your decision. Your fiancé doesn’t want one, leave it alone. Why blow up the child’s world like that? Being a father is more than sharing DNA.”
“My heart hurts for that boy. That’s his dad, his mom “doesn’t want him” and now you are looking to prove his dad isn’t his dad. Just wow”
“He has chosen to be his father whether biologically his or not. Leave it as is, like what do you want to prove? Maybe he already knows he isn’t his otherwise why else would be mention that he needs a child that is really his?”
Have a parenting, relationship, or other family-related question? Submit it on Facebook or Answers!
Mamas Uncut is THE online place for moms. We cover the latest about motherhood, parenting, and entertainment as well – all with a mom-focused twist. So if you're looking for parenting advice from real parents, we have plenty of it, all for moms from moms, and also experts. Because, at the end of the day, our mission is focused solely on empowering moms and moms-to-be with the knowledge and answers they’re looking for in one safe space.