A mom writes in asking for advice about her teenage daughter. She says her daughter, who is 18, moved in with her boyfriend. Neither her daughter nor the boyfriend help around the house or contribute financially, which has put a humungous strain on this mom. Additionally, having them in the house caused her own frustrated partner to move out in order to “save their relationship.” This mom and her daughter are now at odds. She reached a breaking point and told her daughter that her boyfriend must move out, which has caused further turmoil.
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A member of the community asks:
“My daughter and her boyfriend live with me but neither of them helps out: Advice?
I’ve been a working single mum for ten years who has somehow managed to stay in my own home. After okaying it with my 18-year-old daughter, my partner of 2 years moved in late last year, which was very welcomed financially. Around the same time, my daughter met her first boyfriend, 19, who, against my wishes, started staying overnight all the time. Both were not working or helping financially or otherwise around the house. This created problems in my relationship because my partner could not stand for it and felt gagged by me, so he moved out just prior to COVID-19 to save our relationship.
Since then I have been responsible for both my daughter and her boyfriend, who have been living with me fulltime. They said he couldn’t stay with his dad who is in COVID isolation due to health issues. After continually asking for help they said he can’t get Centrelink assistance because his parents earn too much. Finally, a month ago they both found work. My daughter part-time and the boyfriend mostly full time but still have not given me any help. I’m feeling more and more resentful and every time I bring it up, my daughter it ends in a massive argument.
I am not wealthy and owe a lot on credit and can’t believe this has become my issue to support them both. I then told her I want him moved out by next weekend. She said she will go with him. I said that is your choice. Now she says he’ll go home and she’ll be on the streets and even her own mother doesn’t want her. I feel I’ve been incredibly generous and patient not a toxic uncaring mother but the guilt is still there. How much do you have to do for your 18-yo?”
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice for This Mom Whose Teenage Daughter and Her Boyfriend Have Upended Her Life
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Advice Summary
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“If she’s not going to school or plans to go to school I would make her pay $200 a month. Use $100 towards bills and put $100 each month away into savings that she is unaware of. When she decides to move out she’ll have some money set aside that she didn’t even know she had. It’s not all about actual financial help but more so respect and responsibility. Side note: The dude needs to go for sure.”
“Stand your ground. Your kicking him out not her, she is throwing a tantrum. Stand your ground, it’s a lesson they both obviously need to learn.”
“She’s manipulating you. Tell her it’s her choice and wish her well with her bad decisions, she’s just trying to break you, and get her way. Don’t let up or she will never learn or appreciate what it takes to have and maintain a comfortable home.”
“Honestly my parents made me and my sister the same offer when we turned 18. You either pay 1 bill a month and help with groceries or you get out. It wasn’t a hard decision. I love my parents to death but I couldn’t stand living with them. Me and my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) moved into our own place and have been here for 3 years. My sister stayed with my parents until she got married and moved out. Honestly, I think a little tough love is what everyone needs. I know that if I needed help my mom would help me. But she gave us the push we needed.”
“I didn’t charge my daughter rent after she finished school, but she did work, pay her own bills, and saved to get her own apartment. Our kids do what we allow them to do. If you allow her and bf (another story completely) to use you it’s your own fault.”
“I’ve been babied by my single mother my whole life lol but at 19 my boyfriend and I moved in & honestly, in the beginning, we were not helping out as much as we should’ve but she made it VERY clear that we can either help out or he can’t live there…
… Sometimes tough love is the right love. We ended up paying rent and pitching in for groceries, as we should & as your daughter and boyfriend should now that they have jobs. If she’s threatening to leave because you want her to pull some weight , let her. She will be back. You aren’t kicking her out! You’re asking the bare minimum of her!”
“First off nothing happens in your house that you don’t allow. Her boyfriend shouldn’t have slept over 1 night. You advise your daughter if she wants to live with her boyfriend, you are more than happy to have her do that, just not under your roof. If she has a problem with that let her leave, she will find a way…
… If he goes home, that means he could have always gone there. If he goes home and doesn’t take her with him, that is an issue between the two of them and don’t get involved. If she wants to stay with you she needs to pay some of the bills ie: food/utilities, etc. Tell her she has to provide you the money by the 15th. If she doesn’t give you anything then you need to make your choice. she’s an adult and it’s up to you to see that she works hards and doesn’t feel entitled to things.”
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