Parenting twelve-year-old twin boys is no easy task. Lucky for us, Robert Knop is documenting all of the hilarious moments on Twitter. His account, @FatherWithTwins, is a must-follow for anyone who knows what it’s like to live with kids who have no internet access or that feeling when you discover a bag of chips under your child’s pillow. And thus he enters our Funny Parenting Tweets pantheon of icons. He’s been tweeting about his sons for years now.
Whether he’s enduring another drive-by birthday party or serving dinner to unsatisfied customers, this dad of two knows the struggle is real. We’ve curated our top 35 favorite tweets from Robert Knop’s @FatherWithTwins just for you. His tweets go back years and he never misses. Enjoy!
25 Funny Parenting Tweets From Funny Dad Robert Knop, aka @FatherWithTwins
The Devil is in the Details
When asking about your child’s hygiene habits, it’s important to be as specific as possible. If you’re like most parents, you have to check to see if those brushes have been used at all because kids will say anything to get out of it. As adults, most of us enjoy or at least acknowledge the importance of brushing our teeth. But, it’s a journey to get there as Knop beautifully illustrates.
Refined Palate
We’ll have what he’s having! Don’t you love when kids begin trying new things and expanding their horizons? We encourage you to push your kids to try new foods so that they become adventurous eaters and aren’t afraid to take risks later in life. We’ll also be saying “Mmm, that’s delightful!” for every situation from her on out.
Honorable Mention
Would you like a trophy for simply existing, dear child? As parents, we know how hard it is to get kids to do chores like cleaning their rooms, making up beds, picking up their toys, and cleaning up after themselves at dinner. Apparently, these acts are unbearable for children as they avoid them like the plague. We’re not sweating it if the kids want kudos but we’re not giving those away left and right.
Pedicure, Anyone?
There are moments as a parent when you just simply need to pretend that you saw nothing. There’s a time and place for everything but Knop’s son found the wrong place at the right time in this situation. Thankfully, we’ve got disinfectant wipes at the ready for these sorts of situations. They will learn someday but that day might never feel like today for most of us. So, just look the other way until then.
Covid Cake Longings
Can you maybe throw a slice into the car window? There simply must be cake. What is the point of a kid’s birthday party anyway? It’s not to celebrate a child and cherish him or her. No, it’s to eat overly sweet cake and revel in the joys of buttercream and sponge. If you’re going to a kid’s birthday party for any other reason, you’re doing it wrong. Take Knop’s advice on this one.
You’ve Been Warned
It wasn’t funny the last 100 times and now we’re done. Kids latch onto things that they enjoy and repeat, repeat, repeat. It must be fun for them but don’t make the mistake of indulging them or it won’t be much fun for you. A good rule of thumb as a parent is to never engage. If you do, the consequences could prove near-fatal.
Where Have We Been?
Why haven’t we been sending them outside to play all along? Here’s an example of an excellent bait and switch. Parents learn this move quickly after giving birth as a matter of survival. If you’ve yet to master the fine art of the bait and switch, there’s still time. Try it tonight with your partner to see what will work for you. You never know what you can get away with unless you try.
White Noise
Basically, the equivalent to calming ocean waves, don’t you think? Ah, yes the soundtrack of your parenthood life. If you’re lucky enough to have more than one little angel, you know that bickering and fighting is a constant. We only hope, as parents, that the kids one day will outgrow their special form of communication and become close as adults. Until then, enjoy the soundtrack.
Time Management
We applaud the dedication it takes to stick to an hour-long complaint session. It’s amazing the lengths that children will go to get out of doing a thing you’ve asked them. Honestly, it’s truly stupifying. You might think you’ve heard a lot of complaining in your life, but become a parent and it’s the Modus Operandi of your progeny. Learn to love it or you’ll be miserable for the next decade.
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That Prime Tho
Just waiting on the stack of boxes to form outside. Can you relate? At a certain point in every relationship, nothing is as it seems. Yes, a compliment might sound nice but you have to know that there will be a price to pay for it. You can try and get ahead of it by being immediately suspect when you hear one or decide to live in ignorant bliss just feel something, anything.
Good Game
It’s been real, team. Better luck next season. This tweet from 2020 will likely take you back to a scary time when everything was screeching to a halt. Thankfully, with vaccines and masking, we’ve mostly turned a corner. Things we thought would be the first of many ended up being the last. We hope Knop’s kids are back to playing soccer and having pizza parties these days.
Thoughts and Prayers
They might have to actually read a book or *gasp* spend time with the family. It’s not ideal but we suppose there are worse things than having to entertain your children. You kid teach them to play cards, or heaven forbid, encourage them to go outside and play in the fresh air. Will any of that stick? No, it’s not likely, but at least you tried, dear parent.
Hold the Sauce
Giving your dinner a bath is a savage move. It’s hard to develop young eaters into adventurous ones but it’s not impossible. If your child has to wash cooked meat on the journey to getting there, that’s a small step in the right direction! We hope Knop did not take this personally as we’re certain his sauce was probably just fine. Kids will be kids and meat will be meat.
The Anxiety River
My how priorities change with the seasons of parenting. At one point, we feel as if danger lurks for our children around every corner, or in this case, every river’s bend. As we, as parents, get older and wiser we realize that the kids will mostly be all right. Or, we’re all just so exhausted that we’re truly over it. But, at least you’re still supervising-ish.
You Can Keep ‘Em
Boys, you’re going to love your new home with a pool! Parents are so tired of parenting that they can barely contain themselves at the prospect of getting an hour or two to themselves. Should we bring back boarding schools and do like the English? It’s worth considering as no parent should endure spending countless hours with their children through this pandemic.
Entree Options
Can I see the menu, please? We’re glad Knop’s little boy was pleased with the dinner offerings at Chez Knop for the evening. Our children really do think every ounce of their parent’s focus is on their unseen wants and desires. It’s okay though, they’ll catch a clue that it’s not all about them when they’re adults. Maybe. Hopefully. Gosh, parenting is hard.
Empty Jar, Full Heart
We’re pretty sure we know who put the empty milk jug back in the fridge as well. Kids will do absolutely anything to get out of a chore. When do they develop a sense of the time it takes to actually do a thing and the effort it takes to avoid doing it? It can’t come too soon for most parents. If there were a deity that made kids fully complete chores and tasks without question, we’d give a limb to it.
Parenting Justifications
Whatever helps you sleep at night, Dad. Do your children play games nonstop as well? Any useful tips on how to pry them away from a screen are welcome. It’s kind of wild to think there are entire platforms for watching other people play video games. Could you imagine this as a kid? We’re not saying that gaming is bad we just wish this next generation spent more time in the real world.
Pillow Chips
Do you have a beverage under there as well, son? May we all be so bold as Knop’s son and his pantry pillow. In fact, we just might take this idea and put it to good use. A pillow made of marshmallows? We’re on it!
Do I Even Know You?
We’re just now getting to know one another, I guess? Marriage is a splendid thing. You spend so much time with someone that you actually forget you know them. As parents, this strain is even more evident as we fall into the roles of parent and parent without much room for anything else. If you’ve experienced something similar to Knop’s description, you’re not alone. Marriage can be hilariously lonely.
Inquire Within
Must also love cleaning up spills and answering endless amounts of questions. A story needing a point? What a concept! One-third of the time of your parenting duties will consist of listening to your children who are listening to themselves talk. They just love the sound of their own voice. There’s not much you can do about it so master the art of the passive “mmm-hmm.”
It’s Still Dark Out
Why do they turn into summer roosters? Honestly, can we catch a break, kids? We get that they are very excited about some time off from school but can’t they do so quietly? It’s too much to ask. They can’t be bothered. Instead of playing those video games quietly like they insist on wanting to do 24/7 they must instead wake you from a well-deserved couple of hours of sleep.
Did You Hear Something?
I guess they’ve got it covered, so I’ll go back to being invisible. Would you trust two ten-year-olds to prepare a meal for you? We find this questionable. Especially after we know about the meat baths. At least they’re doing something together even if that something will result in food poisoning. We’ll live.
Emoji Intelligence
I do not know what type of animal that is and I’m not sure when one would ever use it. For the Gen-X generation, things are not as easy. They missed out on having the internet as a kid so they have no way of actually functioning in the world today. Could you imagine a world without emojis? A Gen-X person surely can. Who else wants to go back to that simple time?
Say Cheese or Whatever
The holiday card is done! Who cares what it looks like? The point is that each person’s eyes are open and no one perished in the taking. It’s weird how priorities change. These amazing tweet from @FatherWithTwins perfectly captures how parenting changes us. It’s not about us anymore and you know what? It’s probably for the best.
Check out more funny parenting tweets here!
The Trauma
Kids do the craziest things including inventing new methods of eating foods. Who needs that burrito to be neatly contained while you eat it? Kids just don’t care. At least they’re eating and not telling you an endless story. If you’ve seen a kid eat a burrito like corn on the cob just imagine watching them eat corn on the cob like a burrito. What a thrill!
A Lice of Life
There are a few things you go through life never expecting to say. “You lice-free?” is one such thing that likely only happens if you’re a parent. Life and lice come at you fast. We hope you can zoom out like @FatherWithTwins to be able to see the humor in it all. It feels much better if you’re laughing at yourself, we promise.
Sleep? Never Met Her
When was the last time you got more than six hours of sleep? Does six hours of sleep sound like a luxury to you? You’re not alone. Finding sleep really can be elusive as finding a unicorn when you are a parent. Now, finding that sleep and waking up younger? That’s the rub right there. Science, please make that happen, parents deserve it.
Stay Cozy
Parenting means watching your children create obstacles for themselves at every turn and then you have to correct them. Why must it be like this? It’s a long road to self-sufficiency. That road is littered with all of the advice you’ve given thrown out like trash. Sometimes it’s a thankless job but someone has to do it. This tweet is the perfect encapsulation of parenting.
The New Normal
Does any parent out there have a hack for peeling their kids away from YouTube? Do you ever feel like a parrot repeating yourself over and over again? You’re not alone. As Knop points out, he’s already been doing it and expects to continue until his boys are adults. Until then, you’ll have to use the “scary voice” to get those kiddos going.
Stone Cold
At least he can count. We all must look at the positives in every situation. Do as Knop has done and be proud every time your kid gives you a smart-a** answer. It’s the only way to survive. Resisting is futile.
Criminal Minds
Do your kids or others ever say a thing and you can see a flash into their future? “It’s satisfying to my eyes,” is totally a thing that a serial killer would say. Not, “It’s pretty” or “I like it.” Why is this child separating from his own senses in this way? It’s a mystery we may never know the answer to until a team of psychologists are evaluating this kid twenty years from now.
The To-Do List
You live to serve at the pleasure of your spouse. It’s as simple as that. When the wife gives you a list of things to do, you better pick the one that’s easiest to knock off and start getting that stuff done. Pay no mind to the child you’re trying to support, no, the list is supremely more important. Also, have a good answer ready for when your partner asks about said list. You don’t want to be caught without an answer.
The Diver
Why are we here? Why do we even try? What’s the point? Might questions you find yourself asking as a parent. Your children can trigger an existential crisis if you’re not careful. After all, why would any person spend an hour asking questions about diving to not actually have any interest in it? It defies logic. Children are irrational. Rinse, wash, repeat.
They’ll Live
Staying “engaged” is the name of the game as a parent. How else do we make sure our kids know that we care? As long as it’s not painful, everything is just fine. Further, weekend dad-ing is much different from weekday dad-ing and that’s just the rules. The kids should know better than to test your interest on any given Saturday or Sunday.
There you go! We hope you enjoyed these tweets from @FatherWithTwins. He’s so good at funny parenting tweets that he’s turned it into an art. Be sure to follow him on Twitter for more of his funny antics and insights. Parenting is not easy and these tweets perfectly capture the agony and ecstasy of parenthood. Now, share this list with a fellow parent who could use a laugh!
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