A mom writes in asking for advice about leaving her relationship. She says she has been with her husband since she was 16. They have been together for nine years and have three children together. This mom says she has always felt like her husband has not paid her the kind of attention she desires, which led her to an emotional entanglement with a coworker. This has caused additional problems for the couple. After years of drama, hurt, and controlling and neglectful behavior on her husband’s part, this mom is finally ready to leave. But should she?
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A member of the community asks:
“Am I doing the right thing by leaving my relationship?
I first met my husband when I was 16. There’s a five year age difference. He showed interest in me immediately, and we’ve basically always been in a relationship since I’ve known him. We got married when I was 18 years old and have now been married for nine years with three kids. During our relationship, he’s never really been affectionate, and over the years, I’ve basically been the main one to handle all the household chores, kids, and work too. I feel like he’s taken me for granted a lot of the time and has put me through an emotional rollercoaster.
I feel like I lost myself due to marrying young and having so much on my plate. I’ve never really felt like I could speak up when something was bothering me either because my husband would either get upset or not take me seriously. I told him so many times I needed his attention and affection.
So, I snapped at him a couple of months ago and told him how I was feeling. He got upset and didn’t talk to me for a few weeks. I do have to admit the reason I finally snapped was that I started talking to a coworker who made me love myself and feel like this amazing person. I felt unappreciated in my marriage and honestly made the mistake of letting my friendship with my coworker go too far during the weeks of silence from my husband.
When my husband found out about my feelings for a said coworker, he started making a lot of changes, though. But I was already emotionally gone. I haven’t felt in love with him, but I’ve stayed because of our kids, and although I continued talking to my friend, I stopped everything inappropriate about our relationship. It’s been a few months of us trying to make it work, but the other day he gave me an ultimatum. I had to either quit my job cold turkey and stop talking to my friend, or pack my things and go. So I told him I would do as he said but that I was leaving too.
I need a break. I feel hurt that I’ve stayed with him feeling invisible and unappreciated for years, and when it’s just been a rough couple of months, he basically tells me to do as he says or leave. I feel a little scared but relieved at the same time too. I know I made mistakes in all this too. Am I doing the right thing by leaving?”
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice for This Mom Who Wants to Know if Leaving Her Relationship Is the Right Call
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Advice Summary
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“All I heard was, ‘I cheated with a coworker and I’m pissed my husband doesn’t want me around him anymore.’ You should leave. Not because you’re getting the raw end of the deal, your husband is…”
“I stopped reading when you said you were talking to someone else. If you are that miserable to betray him, then yes you need to leave. & tell him why. Give him the whole truth.”
“No offense but there are 2 sides to every story. Especially being in a long relationship. It does sound like you are lonely. But it also sounds like he was willing to change. If you don’t want to be in the relationship, that is your decision and it isn’t necessarily a wrong one, but I guess it comes down to if you want your relationship to gain love back again. You did also make a choice to connect with someone else during your marriage. You made mistakes as well.”
“Leave him because you are unhappy. Leave him because you don’t love him. Leave because he hasn’t appreciated you and you’ve lost your self worth being with him. Leave him because your mind and opinion are of no worth to him and he berates you for having oneHe gave you an ultimatum- quit your job or leave! Leave. If you quit your job and stay, he will become more abusive and controlling.”
“I think you are doing the right thing, if the feelings aren’t there there is no point in staying. He can still have a relationship with the children but don’t suffer and stay because you think it’s better for them. Trust me when I say it’s not. Stay strong, you will get through this and be better for it! Good luck.”
“Sounds like the 7-year itch. You both got comfortable and let life get in the way. Did you remember to date one another while married or did you put kids and everything else before maintaining and nurturing your relationship together so you had a Solid Foundation to give to your kids and everyday life?”
“You sound just as bad as he is. Giving your affection to another person when your suppose to be in a committed relationship. Marriage isn’t just when it’s convenient for people or when someone isn’t getting their way. Leave and tell him why you’re leaving. Then split custody with your kids since you clearly don’t have a problem with his parenting.”
“If you’re at a point where your relationship is unrepairable and this is affecting your well-being then I say yes, you will be fine. It will be hard but ultimately you have to do what’s best for your family as a whole. Staying together for the kids is not necessarily what’s best for them either. I wish my parents separated years and years ago…
… My mom stayed with my dad because of us, but unfortunately what she didn’t realize was how she was modeling unhealthy relationship habits to us. I was in a terrible relationship when I was younger and it was completely toxic yet I stayed for 5 years because I learned from my mom that no matter how bad a man treats you, you stick with him. It took a lot out of me to break that cycle and I suffered a lot of trauma for years.”
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