A mom writes in asking for advice about her fiancé. She says her fiancé has been in the picture for more than a year, and they even have a baby on the way, but she is confused about the term he uses to refer to her daughter from a previous relationship. He refers to her as his “stepdaughter,” though for all intents and purposes, she is his daughter. He even says he doesn’t want her to know she is not his biological daughter, so why would he refer to her as a stepdaughter?
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A member of the community asks:
“My fiancé refers to my daughter as his stepdaughter: Thoughts?
I just want some thoughts… So my fiancé and I have been together since my daughter was 17 months. She’s now two, and we have a little one on the way, but her biological father hasn’t been in the picture since day one.
My fiancé doesn’t want her to know she’s not his biologically, but when asked about her being his, he says it’s his stepdaughter. Should I feel upset? Just this is confusing he says one thing to me but to everyone else, it’s another because he says they know him well.”
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice for This Mom Whose Fiancé Refers to Her Daughter as His ‘Stepdaughter’
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Advice Summary
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“1st off, tell him to be CONSISTENT with his words. Either call her your daughter or call her your step-daughter, but for Christ’s sake, JUST PICK ONE. 2nd, DO NOT lie to that child. The truth will come out, and she will feel betrayed and it could ruin your relationship with her forever.”
“That’s only 7 months. Give it time. No need to rush anything.”
“Unless he’s adopting her, she is his stepdaughter. I’m a stepmom and my stepson will always be my stepson (even though I love him like he’s my own).”
“Wait. You’ve been together 7 months, are engaged, pregnant, and are upset he calls himself the step dad (which he would be once married)? Girl…”
“After 6 months referring to her as anything other than my girlfriends daughter is enough, my goodness.”
“But she is his stepdaughter? So why would you be upset? People that know him know she’s not his and he is using the proper term. Our kids are our kids, but people who knew us both before we got together know if we had kids or not, so then yes, we say this is my stepdaughter or he will say this is my stepson. People we met as we go, it’s ‘these are our kids.'”
“You’ve only been together 7 months. Maybe he thinks you’ll feel like he’s over stepping calling her “his daughter”. Sometimes people “clarify” because they’re afraid of upsetting someone. Maybe have a talk with him about how you would like him to be “dad” and her to daughter. And there be no-need to speak of step.”
“I’m sure he is saying stepdaughter to some because it’s easier. They know him and know he didn’t have a child before. Being a step-parent, I get it. It’s a long drawn out story you have to tell when you say it’s my child. When did you have a kid, we didn’t even know!? Where is the father? Etc. It’s not because he is embarrassed or anything. Doesn’t mean he loves the child less. I think in time it will change. Once you have the baby he will say ‘these are my kids.'”
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