A mom writes in asking for advice about her 18-year-old teenage daughter. She says her daughter, who mostly lives at her boyfriend’s house, comes home in at most to sleep and/or eat. She comes home to eat because her boyfriend’s mother refuses her food, as she does not pay to live there. So this mom’s daughter started coming home and taking food to bring back to her boyfriend’s to eat. This mom put a stop to it, said that the food must be eaten at home. So now the daughter comes home to eat, but then up and leaves her mom with the mess. What can she do?
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A member of the community asks:
“My 18-year-old comes home to eat and then leaves me with the mess: What should I do?
So my question is… my 18-year-old daughter, who cannot hold a job (she got fired 4 times in the last eight months) because she refuses shifts or just doesn’t show up, is somewhat living at her boyfriend’s house. But she comes home four nights a week to sleep. The issue is she expects me to allow her to come home during the day and get food so she can eat at her boyfriend’s house, because her bf’s mom won’t let her eat their food since she doesn’t pay to live there.
I told her that my food stays in my house as of now, and she is stating that she is my responsibility and I need to make sure she has food, I told her simply that she is not to take food out of the house so now she comes home 2 times a day makes herself food eats and goes back to the bus. Leaves me all the dishes. I’m at my wit’s end with her, and I am wondering, am I being selfish by trying to get her to understand that what she is doing is wrong?”
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice for This Mom Whose Teenage Daughter Comes Home Twice a Day to Eat and Leaves Her with the Mess
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Advice Summary
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“Tough love. She will never grow up or realize her actions if you keep letting her get away with it. I get she is your kid and it’s not easy to refuse your kid food and/or shelter but she needs to learn some respect, especially towards her mother. Change your locks and tell her you’ve had enough. She’s a big girl now and needs to see that. You got this mama! Stand your ground.”
“Eh, shes 18. She is really not your responsibility and if she wants to continue to show up there she can follow the rules. She is plenty old enough to hold her own. I would never let my kid starve, but you better respect my house and my rules.”
“Change the locks. Honestly. She is making grown decisions let her be grown. Tell her to get a job and change your locks so she can’t get in.”
“No respect. Change the locks. She can come over and eat when you allow it. Set the ground rules that she has to clean up after herself. If she can’t be an adult (as she is so legally) she can suffer the consequences. Enabling her any more will not teach her respect and it will not teach her that there is give and take in any relationship. She is more than old enough to know right from wrong. If she doesn’t understand consequences quick, she’s going to be coming home a lot more because she has zero work ethics or a drive to support herself.”
“Idgaf if my son is 8, or even 38 years old, I will provide him with the basic necessities of life no matter what his situation is. I will always be his mother. That responsibility doesn’t magically disappear the minute he turns 18. It saddens me the amount of people who would turn their back on their kids and change the locks…
… She may technically be an adult now by societal standards, but her brain won’t stop developing until she’s around 25. Power struggles, threats, intimidation doesn’t work anymore so try the empathetic approach. Talk to her about how it’s making you feel, make a meal for the two of you, sit down and have a heart to heart, and work out a compromise.”
“I’ll probably get negative feedback but in my opinion, she was not taught responsibility. Has she ever done the dishes? Why would you expect her to now if not? Did she ever have a job or attend school regularly? I know she lost four jobs lately but as a younger teen?…
… She is still a teenager also. My kids are in their 30’s they still raid the fridge, I’m so happy they are comfortable in our home and come to me. They don’t make messes and they do help me. Responsibility again. If you didn’t teach it, it won’t be there.
So many bad things could happen, please keep her fed. Buy some paper plates, too.”
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