A mom writes in looking for advice on how and when to marry. She wants to include the children, but her boyfriend wants her to refer to him as his husband now even though they are not yet married.
A member of the community asks:
“I am looking for input. My boyfriend and I are talking about marriage. We’ve been together for almost ten years, with two children. I want to wait till kids are bigger so they can participate in the wedding as flower girls and ring bearer. He refers to me as a wife, and other people do too, but I generally say boyfriend because we aren’t married. He has a huge issue with this.
I told him that until we are married, I am not calling him husband, but I will not correct other people if they refer to us as husband and wife. Now we are talking about marriage after the first of the year at the courthouse, just to do it, and then have a big wedding when kids are bigger and money saved up. Any issues with the gaps between the courthouse and ceremony?”
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice For the Girlfriend That Needs Advice About Referring to Her Boyfriend As Her Husband.
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Advice Summary
A mom is looking for advice because her boyfriend wants her to refer to him as her husband. Read some of the responses below:
“We did it like ” this is my love ____”. More meaning than boyfriend/girlfriend, yet not giving the false impression you’re married when you aren’t.”
“If you don’t wanna call him husband, don’t. But if he’s upset because he wants to get married and you keep putting it off, he has every right to be. If roles were reversed, and you’d been wanting to get married for 10 years and he always came up with excuses not to, all the ladies in the group would have caps lock on saying leave him. Just a little difference of perspective. If I were him, I’d definitely want to find someone who actually wanted to marry me, it would seem like a waste of time spent with someone who didn’t feel the same about me.“
“Been together 10 years, have kids, and you live together? Girl. Common law says that is your husband. He has a point. Stop being so prideful and face the fact. Sounds like a bunch of excuses on your end.“
“So he wants to marry you, but you don’t because the kids are young? LOL seems like you’re the issue here. 10 years and 2 kids, c’mon now. You can always have a big party or vow renewal when the kids are older. If you really wanted to be “married ” you would be married now, no excuses.“
“Seem like you want a wedding and not a marriage. Those are two very different things. A wedding lasts a day. A marriage lasts a lifetime. Examine your heart.“
“My husband and I started referring to each other and husband and wife probably a full two years before we got married. We’ve been together 5 1/2 years now with two kids. We also decided we were common law, because our state supports it, about two years before we actually signed our marriage license. The turning point for us was having kids because it wasn’t just about us anymore.“
Final Thoughts
The decision to marry is very important, but when you have been together for as long as you have with your boyfriend, and you have children together, marriage is the easy part. If you don’t want to have a big wedding right now you could maybe have a big ten-year anniversary party later and do the courthouse wedding or a small wedding at home.
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