If you’re not following Divergent Mama on Twitter, are you even really living? She’s a mother of four and the most excellent composer of funny mom-life tweets on the planet. Her brand of sharp sarcasm is unparalleled and if you’ve ever had a painfully long day as a parent, you most definitely need her hilarious tweets to refuel you.
Relatable and accurate, Divergent Mama always keeps it at 100 with her observations about trying to raise children and maintain a shred of sanity. We decided to take a look at some of her most recent tweets to bring you the dose of funny you need right now. Here are 25 genius parenting tweets from Divergent Mama that will help heal your exhausted, weary, and lifeless soul.
Dread
Me: I’m terrified of moving into a new house
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 17, 2020
Therapist: there’s a lot to unpack here
Me: *screams*
Moving is no joke! Except when it is.
No Sleep
Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said “goodbye mommy” so I guess I won’t be sleeping until he moves out.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 20, 2020
Was this a veiled threat? Best to lock the bedroom door, just in case.
A Lift
A push-up bra, but for my mood.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 17, 2020
We could all use a little bit of a lift in times like these. Yes, yes, to this tweet.
Not Nice
If you are over the age of 14 and say “noice” just know I’m silently judging you.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 13, 2020
She’s not the only one.
Un-Regret
A night cream, but one that reverses aging and bad decisions.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 17, 2020
We would pay very, very good money this miracle invention.
At Least the House is Clean
Turn on: honey, I cleaned the house
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 16, 2020
Turn off: because my parents are coming over for dinner
Well, you know the significant other didn’t do a good enough job. Time to *actually* clean to make the house presentable for the in-laws. *sigh*
It’s Not Right
My daughter just used glitter for a craft project, so I guess I’ll see you in 5 years when I’m finished cleaning it up.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 15, 2020
And, a piece of glitter will be randomly stuck to some part of your face for all five of those years.
Embarrassment Is the Only Weapon
Flex on your teen for their birthday by singing “go shawty, it’s your birthday” in front of all of their friends.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 14, 2020
This is the perfect mom tweet and deserves an award. Shut it down.
Uniform
Me to my kids in 2019: is that what you’re wearing today?
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 18, 2020
Me to my kids in 2020: is that what you’re wearing this week?
Introducing the quarantine uniform that consists of whatever was worn the day before.
The Depths
I don’t mind life right now being full of peaks and valleys. I just would like one or two Everests to go along with all of these Grand Canyons.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 20, 2020
Amen! Can we please get some highs to match these deep, deep lows? Please.
New Vows
New marriage vows should include: I will laugh with you, and not at you. Unless you try to make a Tiktok video with the kids.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 16, 2020
Try not laughing at your significant other when they’re “learning” a new TikTok dance. We dare you.
Samantha, Why?
Bewitched gave me very unreal expectations about how I could clean my house just by wiggling my nose.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 15, 2020
Same. Who knew you’d have to wipe the same spot on the kitchen counter a thousand times on the daily? Are we actually cursed?
No Filter
A selfie filter, but for my bathroom mirror.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 14, 2020
Dear Bill Gates, this. Make us this.
Mickey Magic
Taking the kids to Disneyworld in 2019: figuratively killed me
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 13, 2020
Taking the kids to Disneyworld in 2020: literally could kill me
What a difference a year makes! Disney World opening back up in the middle of a huge coronavirus outbreak doesn’t seem too smart.
RELATED: 25 Funny Tweets About Disney Reopening Amid Coronavirus Outbreak in Florida
Artful
Him: when I said we should go Dutch on this date, this isn’t what I had in mind.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 12, 2020
Me: pic.twitter.com/Kuqg4JsPzv
A lovely still-life is all she had in mind. What was he thinking? A date? LOL!
Quick Question:
Are you a sane person or do you have children?
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 11, 2020
Frame this tweet. We feel seen. Kids will break your brain.
All Aboard!
It’s just not a real family road trip until you are all packed and get halfway down the driveway… without one of your children.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 7, 2020
Where’s the lie? Now, how many more can be left at rest stops along the way?
Perfect Tweet
If sleeping is catching some z’s then why isn’t insomnia catching some y’s?
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) June 29, 2020
Divergent Mama is actually a philosopher. Brilliant.
Accurate
About 50% of parenting is just arguing about which kid did or did not flush the toilet.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) June 27, 2020
Why do children… That question is pointless. Do they make automatic toilets for noncommercial use?
The Best Names
I feel bad for the kids whose parents give them normal nicknames. My kids – guacamole, cheese and coffee know I truly love them.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) June 23, 2020
That’s funny because our kids are nicknamed Wine, Silence, and we also have a Cheese.
A Dad’s Nightmare
That scream you just heard was my husband, when our real estate agent asked us to leave every light on for our Open House today.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) June 20, 2020
Nothing will cause a dad to spiral like this suggestion. The scream was the sound when he realized everything up that point was futile.
Relatable
Much like me, my dogs will do anything for a french fry
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) June 15, 2020
Same. French fried potatoes are one of life’s greatest pleasures. Dogs know the truth.
The Foreboding
I don’t know much, but I do know if one of my children suddenly appears with a paintbrush that nothing good happens after that.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) June 14, 2020
Time to calculate how long it will take for every piece of furniture to get a little smudge of paint on it. It happens so fast.
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Growing so Fast
Seems like every day my kids grow out of something. Clothes, shoes, the size of the garbage bag they need to clean their room.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) June 9, 2020
Honestly, why do they hoard as they do?
Dancing Through Life
Welcome to your 40’s – you now live every day with at least one bruise that you have no idea how you got.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) June 6, 2020
This is real. Did the kids rob us of feeling physical pain as well? They take everything.
There you go! 25 very funny tweets from one of our favorite people on Twitter, Divergent Mama. She’s keeping it real so that we feel a little less alone. A true public servant.
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